The Curse of Bigfoot (1975)

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The Curse of Bigfoot is a dull, hopeless mishmash of a moovie, cowbining pseudo-documentary scenes, boring stock footage, and fake teenage archaeologists, resulting in a low, throbbing headache of a film. When the MooCow was just a calf in the sickening 70’s, this film played practically every Saturday on the Creature Double Features of years past. That makes it good for nostalgia, but wretchedly poor for entertainment. The moovie stars and was produced by no one who ever worked in the industry again, thankfully. Even for such an obvious amateur production, the shocking lack of talent around this clumsy little project constitutes a gaping hole the size of Jupiter.

Is that a dead injun mummy stiffie, or are you just glad to see me?

Ham-handedly shot, poorly edited, horribly acted, this feeble flick offers almoost nothing of value, even for the schlock-moovie fan. There are some pretty cheap, laughable “special effects”, including a “monster suit” that’s the worst bigfoot wanna-be the MooCow has seen since Snowbeast. Basically, the story boils down to 3 separate boring and poorly-made entities, all vying woefully for our attention in the vain hopes that something even remotely interesting might take place. Part one is a scene in a ‘typical’ 70’s high school(where they teach courses on monsters in mythology??), where a group of pasty-faced, greasy-haired teens are treated to stern, melodramatic lecture on “real monsters” by an irksome little dork with Coke bottle glasses.

Oh yeah, well monsters are real, SO THERE!

Part two is a horrendous cowbination of fake-documentory on Bigfoot(a la The Legend of Boggy Creek,only not nearly as good), and some of the moost boring stock footage of the logging industry you’re ever likely to witness. Seriously – if yer idea of fun is to watch endless minutes of logs rolling into the water, over and over again, this cow feels very, very sorry for you.The final part shows a group of teenage archaeologists, and their dopey teachers, who “excavate” a mummified (Indian?? Bigfoot?? Film Producer??) thingy, which revives somecow and runs amok and kills the local deputy dawg. The quick-thinking teens(who all apparently end up catatonic, or worse, at the end of the moovie, according to the spiteful dork lecturer at the beginning) douse the hairy whatsit with gasoline and set it on fire.

Believe the MooCow, it sounds far moore interesting that it ultimately is: every possible chance for even a minutia of tension in Curse of Bigfoot is gleefully snuffed out by the director, stomping on it with all the gleeful abandon of a naughty five year old boy attacking an ant hill. It is entirely possible that this film is made up of 2 0r 3 udder films ground up together. Watch it you’ve got your mummy in my yeti moovie! Yeah, well you got your yeti all up inside my mummy moovie! Apparently the original film was called Teenagers Battle the Thing, made in 1958 and not released until some 30+ yeas later.

I’m burnding, I’m burnding!!

But then, you may be into this sort of thing. If not fascinated by the dreary logging stock footage, or tickled by the laughable, low budget egg-faced monster masks, you may be delighted at the hollow, wooden, grade school-level performances by the wanna-be actors. But the MooCow is here to tell you that udder moovies in the schlock vein are far moore interesting and fun. Watching Curse of Bigfoot, on the udder hoof, is like watching 84 minutes of film strips on root canals – if your really into that sort of thing, you may be impressed, but you ought to seek professional help, and soon!

The MooCow says, if pure, abject failure is what you’re after, look no farther than Curse of Bigfoot. Especially recowmmended is the hi-larious Rifftrax version, which you can purchase for your greedy little hands HERE.

Now, let me tell you all the story of the curse of Large Hoof…

;=8)