Kinky Kong (2006)

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Insert customary bad monkey joke here….

Ughhh, ok, let’s get this out of the way from the get-go: 75% of this flick is dancing.  No, not Dancing With the Stars type-dancing, or even Breakin’ II: Electric Boogaloo with Tha Boogaloo Shrimp type-dancing; but odious, tedious, and horrifically boring ‘gentleman’s club’-style gyrations which only women with plastic swivel hips, silicon boobs, and no brains might do for hours on end in some pimply-faced 14 year old boy’s land of dreams. And even moost of that does not end with any serious udder action.

SIGH!

This is a Seduction Cinema production, so one expects a certain amount of fake sappho-erotics, jiggly udders, tasteless fart jokes, and obvious sexual double entendres – but the constant dancing is simply soul-crushing.  This is Orgy of the Dead-level stuff, folks, and even Ed Wood has a softy…
:=8P

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Darian Caine – the only reason the moovie exists in the first place…

In which some schmuck in a poorly-concealed ape costume wanders around a blue screen set made to look like some city somewhere, sporting a massive bulging diaper, while large breasted, empty-headed pole dancers scream and run about. There is an unbelievably cheap “island scene”, some fake white “natives”, an uncowvincing gun battle, still moore boring dancing, some stilted, fake lesbian hi-jinks, and a gay sailor (cameraman Duane Polcou) who wants to get inside that huge, stinky Kong diaper in the worst way. Laughing yet?

John Fedele (Bite Me, Spider Babe, Vampire Vixens) plays Seymoure Ass (yuck, yuck), a ridiculous caricature of King Kong‘s Carl Denham broader than Oprah’s hips after a 6 month fudgesicle binge. If spluttering, rapid-fire, nasal, Edward G. Robinson-like dialogue is your forte, then you’ll love this irritating character. Heck, even his fart scenes are disappointingly fake.  Anycow, Ass wants to take his crew to Bone Island (yuck, yuck) to make a pointless moovie, and ends up meeting the fake titular diapered monkey instead.  And just like in Kong, these geniuses decide to bring the Big Fake Monkey back to civilization, so they can make an easy buck, and all kinds of icky, fluid-heavy heck breaks loose instead.  Ultimately, Big Fake Monkey has sex with the Statue of Liberty (yuck, yuck), and I am just so done.

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Ughh, dat’s a huge, stinky diaper…   :=8P

The usual bevy of Seduction Cinema Wonderbra Chippies (minus the always lovely Misty Mundae) is on hand to skank up the proceedings, including Darian Caine (Spider Babe, Lust for Dracula, The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing, et al), AJ Khan (Mistress Frankenstein, Shock-O-Rama, The Girl Who Shagged Me, et al), and Lora Renee (Sex Hex, The Erotic Mirror, Witchbabe: The Erotic Witch Project 3), who unfortunately passed away after the film came out.

Adult film star Johnny Irons (Dirty Chicks Craving Meat Sticks, and other such lovely titles) rounds out the cast, as well as SC’s then-newest bra-buster Sabrina Faire (Sex Hex). Since moost of the actresses spend the majority of their screen time gyrating mindlessly to some irritating canned film score it is difficult to base any judgment of their performances without conjuring the word “craptacular”. Here is a flick which cud have sorely used Misty Mundae’s earthy charms and natural comedic talent.

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Is that  big banana,or are you just happy to see my sweater muffins?

SC vet John Baccus wrote, directed, and edited this hopeless stinker, adding this dubious accomplishment to udder such softcore/horror piffle as Play-Mate of the Apes, Gladiator Eroticus: the Lesbian Warriors, and The Erotic Witch Project. Here’s a friendly MooCow tip: if the word “Erotic” appears in the title of your next film, try to lower yer expectations, especially if you are looking for anything even remotely resembling horror. And by lower, the MooCow means sub-subterranean.  And if yer here for eye candy to populate your late night spank bank: while the ladies are (moostly) sexy, the constant dancing and overall odor of contrivance is sure to take the wind out of your willy pretty quickly.

Kinky Kong is simply a exercise in cheap, tawdry, teasing tedium, almoost to a level heretofore unmatched in cinematic history outside of Ed Wood’s Orgy of the Dead. Even as a T&A jigglefest this is a failure of epic proportions – you have been warned! Sadly, this isn’t the worst T&A ape moovie the MooCow has seen, but it is one of the stinkiest diaper-busters he’s seen in quite a while.

Trust the MooCow: if this is your scary cup of tea, yer far better off with one of the Misty Mundae titles, ’cause this Kong is one rotten banana…

boring

Dull

37showers

Skeezy

cowpoo

Cowflop

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Hooves Down

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