Astounding She-Monster (1957)

Astoundingly Awful…. :=8P

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Yeah, nothing like this is in the moovie….

Whew! What a stinker!!

:=8P

Blurry beauty from an-udder world lands & creates havoc with a group of dopey kidnappers, a screaming socialite, and a VERY lonely geologist who talks to his dog. In addition to the bad acting, poor production values, stinky lighting, and ham-handed direction, Astounding She-Monster also sports the worst over-eager narration this side of Mesa of Lost Women.

The sharp-eyed will spot Ed Wood alumnus Kenne Duncan (Night of the Ghouls, The Sinister Urge) as idiot kidnapper #1; Robert Clarke (Hideous Sun Demon, Beyond the Time Barrier) plays the lonely geologist, Dick Cutler. And former on and off-Broadway actress Marilyn Harvey plays the whiny, craven socialite, Margaret Chaffee, whose job it is to shriek like a little girl & run whenever Space Gal pops in.

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I’m so blurry!  I can crash through fake windows!

Speaking of Space Gal, in addition to being very blurry and silvery, her slightest touch is able to instantly kill snakes, dogs, and, ultimately, idiot kidnappers. She’s “made of radium”, and gives off gamma rays, or some such nonsense, but wears a skin-tight silver space suit.

But the moovie is so astoundingly cheap and poor, its hard to find even the tiniest ray of hope.   It was ham-handedly directed Ronald V. Ashcroft (Girl with an Itch), an editor and television sound guy who only directed two udder, moostly forgotten films, and produced a short in 1960 with Kenne Duncan called Trick Shooting with Kenne Duncan for the Remington Arms company.  He also wrote, produced, and directed a crappy, sleazy little nudie flick in 1962 called Like Wow (in which Kenne Duncan also shows up), which you can pick up from Something Weird.

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Eeek!  Beware my fishing rod!

The MooCow says that if yer looking for a cheesy howler to share with your friends, Astounding She-Monster is a weak-ass stinker for the record books.

:=8P

cowpoo

Cowflop

 

boring

Boring…

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Puma Man (1980)

The Amazing Adventures of “Silly-Costumed Hopping-Around Guy”!!!

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He really is a Phew-ma…

Are you old enough to remember an incredibly stupid, cheap, and silly tv show from the early 80’s called “Greatest American Hero”?

Well…THIS IS WORSE!!!

:=8P

A geeky, spindly dork in a cheap costume flies about a rear-projection sound stage, to home-made casio-disco moosic, defeating a leathery-looking Donald Pleasance (Halloween, You Only Live Twice, THX 1138) who has stolen a cheap gold foil mask to brainwash the world through plastic heads with wires. That about covers it.

Words simply cannot convey the jaw-dropping cheapness and absurd stupidity of this awful Italian import that’s cheesier than a cat covered in Parmesan. Walter George Alton (Heavenly Bodies) plays Puma Man, easily the worst, lamest, saddest “super-hero” ever filmed. These are his “super powers”: He floats awkwardly through a rear-projection set at around 3 miles an hour via a string tied to his narrow butt; with the aforementioned string, he hops about like some demented, fur-less rabbit; his fingers are claws that can rend aluminum and paper-mache bricks; he can sort of “walk” off the scene(off camera) and appear magically someplace else(somewhere else on-camera again); his awesome “puma vision” allows him to see everything in bright red. The MooCow dares you not to laugh yer fool head off upon viewing any one of these so-called “powers”, especially the oh-so-realistic flight.

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Watch me butt fly slooooowly!

But our hero is not alone.  Square-jawed and square-headed Vidinio, an “Aztec” high priest who cowmoonicates with the gods(space aliens), and tosses people out of windows & demands they try on belts just for kicks, is our would-be hero’s ally/side-kick/teacher. It is he who teaches Puma Man the powerful super secret Puma Man mantra which harnesses the powers of the cosmos for Puma Man: “Every man is a god, every man is free”.

Sydne Rome (Just a Gigolo)plays Jane Dobson, a useless blonde twit of a love-interest. Poor Donald Pleasance has to try and act menacing while hiding behind an aluminum foil mask painted gold. All of these cosmic forces collide in “Puma Man”, resulting in easily the feeblest fantasy flick this cow has seen since Jack Frost(Mazorko).

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Peek-a-boo!  Have my Halloween residual checks arrived yet?

Dew watch the MST3K version of this fiasco; dew tie strong ropes around your sides to assist them from splitting open with laughter, you will need them. Basically, the MooCow says if yer looking for easy laughs, then this is the flick fer you, ’cause this Puma is a PHEW-ma, man!

;=8)

Cowflop

cowpoo

Cowflop

dumb

Um-day

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