Kinky Kong (2006)

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Insert customary bad monkey joke here….

Ughhh, ok, let’s get this out of the way from the get-go: 75% of this flick is dancing.  No, not Dancing With the Stars type-dancing, or even Breakin’ II: Electric Boogaloo with Tha Boogaloo Shrimp type-dancing; but odious, tedious, and horrifically boring ‘gentleman’s club’-style gyrations which only women with plastic swivel hips, silicon boobs, and no brains might do for hours on end in some pimply-faced 14 year old boy’s land of dreams. And even moost of that does not end with any serious udder action.

SIGH!

This is a Seduction Cinema production, so one expects a certain amount of fake sappho-erotics, jiggly udders, tasteless fart jokes, and obvious sexual double entendres – but the constant dancing is simply soul-crushing.  This is Orgy of the Dead-level stuff, folks, and even Ed Wood has a softy…
:=8P

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Darian Caine – the only reason the moovie exists in the first place…

In which some schmuck in a poorly-concealed ape costume wanders around a blue screen set made to look like some city somewhere, sporting a massive bulging diaper, while large breasted, empty-headed pole dancers scream and run about. There is an unbelievably cheap “island scene”, some fake white “natives”, an uncowvincing gun battle, still moore boring dancing, some stilted, fake lesbian hi-jinks, and a gay sailor (cameraman Duane Polcou) who wants to get inside that huge, stinky Kong diaper in the worst way. Laughing yet?

John Fedele (Bite Me, Spider Babe, Vampire Vixens) plays Seymoure Ass (yuck, yuck), a ridiculous caricature of King Kong‘s Carl Denham broader than Oprah’s hips after a 6 month fudgesicle binge. If spluttering, rapid-fire, nasal, Edward G. Robinson-like dialogue is your forte, then you’ll love this irritating character. Heck, even his fart scenes are disappointingly fake.  Anycow, Ass wants to take his crew to Bone Island (yuck, yuck) to make a pointless moovie, and ends up meeting the fake titular diapered monkey instead.  And just like in Kong, these geniuses decide to bring the Big Fake Monkey back to civilization, so they can make an easy buck, and all kinds of icky, fluid-heavy heck breaks loose instead.  Ultimately, Big Fake Monkey has sex with the Statue of Liberty (yuck, yuck), and I am just so done.

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Ughh, dat’s a huge, stinky diaper…   :=8P

The usual bevy of Seduction Cinema Wonderbra Chippies (minus the always lovely Misty Mundae) is on hand to skank up the proceedings, including Darian Caine (Spider Babe, Lust for Dracula, The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing, et al), AJ Khan (Mistress Frankenstein, Shock-O-Rama, The Girl Who Shagged Me, et al), and Lora Renee (Sex Hex, The Erotic Mirror, Witchbabe: The Erotic Witch Project 3), who unfortunately passed away after the film came out.

Adult film star Johnny Irons (Dirty Chicks Craving Meat Sticks, and other such lovely titles) rounds out the cast, as well as SC’s then-newest bra-buster Sabrina Faire (Sex Hex). Since moost of the actresses spend the majority of their screen time gyrating mindlessly to some irritating canned film score it is difficult to base any judgment of their performances without conjuring the word “craptacular”. Here is a flick which cud have sorely used Misty Mundae’s earthy charms and natural comedic talent.

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Is that  big banana,or are you just happy to see my sweater muffins?

SC vet John Baccus wrote, directed, and edited this hopeless stinker, adding this dubious accomplishment to udder such softcore/horror piffle as Play-Mate of the Apes, Gladiator Eroticus: the Lesbian Warriors, and The Erotic Witch Project. Here’s a friendly MooCow tip: if the word “Erotic” appears in the title of your next film, try to lower yer expectations, especially if you are looking for anything even remotely resembling horror. And by lower, the MooCow means sub-subterranean.  And if yer here for eye candy to populate your late night spank bank: while the ladies are (moostly) sexy, the constant dancing and overall odor of contrivance is sure to take the wind out of your willy pretty quickly.

Kinky Kong is simply a exercise in cheap, tawdry, teasing tedium, almoost to a level heretofore unmatched in cinematic history outside of Ed Wood’s Orgy of the Dead. Even as a T&A jigglefest this is a failure of epic proportions – you have been warned! Sadly, this isn’t the worst T&A ape moovie the MooCow has seen, but it is one of the stinkiest diaper-busters he’s seen in quite a while.

Trust the MooCow: if this is your scary cup of tea, yer far better off with one of the Misty Mundae titles, ’cause this Kong is one rotten banana…

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Wolfhound (2006)

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Its Conan Lord of the Barbarian Rings!

He’s a wolf; he’s a hound; he’s WOLFHOUND!!!!

:=8D

The MooCow is pretty sure that “Volkodav iz roda Serykh Psov” loosely translates into “Shaggy Blond Hulk with Noble Heart but in Dire Need of a Bath and a Shave Who Clobbers His Enemies, Punishes the Wicked, and Inexplicably Turns Down the Advances of Incredibly Hot Blond Russian Women”.  Or something to that effect.  You know, its all in the translation.

Billed as ‘part Conan, part Lord of the Rings‘, Wolfhound is actually moore along the lines of just about every classic fantasy/sword-and-sandal opera ever made, only THIS time it is Russian made, which means the babushkas are out in full force!

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Dats the One Babushka to rule them all!

What saves this ambitious eastern fantasy flick from the scrap heap of udder, pretty much identical epic Pecks ‘N Pole Arms moovies out there can be summed up in two terms: Art Direction and Oksana Akinshina. Someone wisely locked the gates to the vodka wells during the post-production of this film because considerable effort went into the digital art and photography. While it is no Lord of the Rings, it is at least in the same ballpark, a considerable achievement for any Russian moovie not related to Night Watch/ Day Watch.

The acting isn’t bad either, although Wolfie himself doesn’t provide much range between the standard stoic pouty/irritated/ broody-pants that everyone besides Arnold’s Conan seems imbue their character.  Ms. Akinshina, as Princess Elen of Galirad, cowever, really shines out, and not simply because she is a breath-taking Russian beauty. She imparts her character with a heady mixture of grit, nobility, perseverance, vulnerability, and pathos, and you actually find yourself wanting things to turn out right for her.

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Seriously, are those dead squirrels stapled to your armor??

But its not easy. Elen has to get to Lord Vinitar, the Guardian of the Northern Gates, to marry him because her father is quite stupid and Galirad is always overcast. Wolfhound, in spite of lacking Conan’s big beef sticks, is tasked with escorting her there, and manages to ginsu his way through an assortment of villains including Zhadoba, the Deep-Voiced and Thoroughly Unintelligible Demon-Guy, Maneater the, umm, man eater, some sort of tornado of rocks and fire, a nasty slave owner, and a very evil and pernicious fog – not to mention every udder guy in the film who thinks he’s just some blond He-man wanna-be and challenges him to fight for really no udder reason.  Like, the guy can’t take ten steps without some fuckknuckle with moore brow than brains challenging him to a fight.  It becomes tiresome.

Ultimately, there’s nothing here plot-wise that you haven’t seen before, including the total Conan rip-off opening scene where baby Wolfhound has his village sacked and watches his blacksmith father and hot mother die, and then get sold into slavery. Been there, done that.  But Wolfie is a noble kind of guy (unlike Conan), who saves pitiful slaves from cruel masters, protects and saves the weak, and even has a cutsey bat buddy as a fuzzy friend (who likes to fly and drop brick bats on the domes of dumb, unsuspecting MFs). When Princess Elen comes to him naked(!), asking to bear his children(!!), Wolhound merely puts her clothes back on her so she can go to her new husband fully intact(!!!!!!!).

Ok, no one said Wolfie was a genius.

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“Wait, he turned me DOWN??  What a fuckknuckle!!!”

For a modest little foreign indie with pretentious of grandness, Wolfhound cud have been a lot worse, and there are some genuinely interesting and kewl moments during the film – not to mention fairly spectacular scenery and art direction. The film also moooves along at a decent pace and doesn’t bog down too much, apart from a very stale scene involving a fat babuska trying to drown a suspected witch and her baby (whom Wolfhound saves in order to introduce several new and unnecessary characters). Over all, it wasn’t a bad try, and with some better, moar original source material the folks involved might be expected to produce an even better result next time.

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We come from the land of ice and snow...wait, what’s the rest of that??

The film was directed by Nikolay Lebedev, who also directed such udder flicks as The Star (2002), The Iris Effect (2005), and Legend no. 17 (2013) – and if you can read this Russian gibberish HERE you can find out moore about him.  His Wolfhound flick was made for 5 million dollars (or 2947540857847 rubles, take yer pick), and is cowsidered the first domestic Russian fantasy blockbuster made over the old Iron Curtain.  Aleksandr Bukharov plays the sulky Wolfhound; he also stars in a whole bunch of rooskie flicks that the MooCow cudn’t pronounce if his life depended on it; in 2006 director Oleg Fomin began to shoot 12-film series ‘The Young Wolfhound‘, a prequel, with Wolfie again played by Bukharov, in case you need moore sulky, swordy broodiness.

Anycow, if u happen to see this flick on cable or Netflix, be sure to grab a deep bowl of pelmeni, some blintzes, and a fifth of ‘Stoli’s, and get yer Wolfhound on!

;=8)

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Astounding She-Monster (1957)

Astoundingly Awful…. :=8P

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Yeah, nothing like this is in the moovie….

Whew! What a stinker!!

:=8P

Blurry beauty from an-udder world lands & creates havoc with a group of dopey kidnappers, a screaming socialite, and a VERY lonely geologist who talks to his dog. In addition to the bad acting, poor production values, stinky lighting, and ham-handed direction, Astounding She-Monster also sports the worst over-eager narration this side of Mesa of Lost Women.

The sharp-eyed will spot Ed Wood alumnus Kenne Duncan (Night of the Ghouls, The Sinister Urge) as idiot kidnapper #1; Robert Clarke (Hideous Sun Demon, Beyond the Time Barrier) plays the lonely geologist, Dick Cutler. And former on and off-Broadway actress Marilyn Harvey plays the whiny, craven socialite, Margaret Chaffee, whose job it is to shriek like a little girl & run whenever Space Gal pops in.

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I’m so blurry!  I can crash through fake windows!

Speaking of Space Gal, in addition to being very blurry and silvery, her slightest touch is able to instantly kill snakes, dogs, and, ultimately, idiot kidnappers. She’s “made of radium”, and gives off gamma rays, or some such nonsense, but wears a skin-tight silver space suit.

But the moovie is so astoundingly cheap and poor, its hard to find even the tiniest ray of hope.   It was ham-handedly directed Ronald V. Ashcroft (Girl with an Itch), an editor and television sound guy who only directed two udder, moostly forgotten films, and produced a short in 1960 with Kenne Duncan called Trick Shooting with Kenne Duncan for the Remington Arms company.  He also wrote, produced, and directed a crappy, sleazy little nudie flick in 1962 called Like Wow (in which Kenne Duncan also shows up), which you can pick up from Something Weird.

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Eeek!  Beware my fishing rod!

The MooCow says that if yer looking for a cheesy howler to share with your friends, Astounding She-Monster is a weak-ass stinker for the record books.

:=8P

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Puma Man (1980)

The Amazing Adventures of “Silly-Costumed Hopping-Around Guy”!!!

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He really is a Phew-ma…

Are you old enough to remember an incredibly stupid, cheap, and silly tv show from the early 80’s called “Greatest American Hero”?

Well…THIS IS WORSE!!!

:=8P

A geeky, spindly dork in a cheap costume flies about a rear-projection sound stage, to home-made casio-disco moosic, defeating a leathery-looking Donald Pleasance (Halloween, You Only Live Twice, THX 1138) who has stolen a cheap gold foil mask to brainwash the world through plastic heads with wires. That about covers it.

Words simply cannot convey the jaw-dropping cheapness and absurd stupidity of this awful Italian import that’s cheesier than a cat covered in Parmesan. Walter George Alton (Heavenly Bodies) plays Puma Man, easily the worst, lamest, saddest “super-hero” ever filmed. These are his “super powers”: He floats awkwardly through a rear-projection set at around 3 miles an hour via a string tied to his narrow butt; with the aforementioned string, he hops about like some demented, fur-less rabbit; his fingers are claws that can rend aluminum and paper-mache bricks; he can sort of “walk” off the scene(off camera) and appear magically someplace else(somewhere else on-camera again); his awesome “puma vision” allows him to see everything in bright red. The MooCow dares you not to laugh yer fool head off upon viewing any one of these so-called “powers”, especially the oh-so-realistic flight.

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Watch me butt fly slooooowly!

But our hero is not alone.  Square-jawed and square-headed Vidinio, an “Aztec” high priest who cowmoonicates with the gods(space aliens), and tosses people out of windows & demands they try on belts just for kicks, is our would-be hero’s ally/side-kick/teacher. It is he who teaches Puma Man the powerful super secret Puma Man mantra which harnesses the powers of the cosmos for Puma Man: “Every man is a god, every man is free”.

Sydne Rome (Just a Gigolo)plays Jane Dobson, a useless blonde twit of a love-interest. Poor Donald Pleasance has to try and act menacing while hiding behind an aluminum foil mask painted gold. All of these cosmic forces collide in “Puma Man”, resulting in easily the feeblest fantasy flick this cow has seen since Jack Frost(Mazorko).

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Peek-a-boo!  Have my Halloween residual checks arrived yet?

Dew watch the MST3K version of this fiasco; dew tie strong ropes around your sides to assist them from splitting open with laughter, you will need them. Basically, the MooCow says if yer looking for easy laughs, then this is the flick fer you, ’cause this Puma is a PHEW-ma, man!

;=8)

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The Death Wheelers (1973)

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Mean Brit Bikers Bump Grocers, Worship Frogs!

:=8O

Uhmm, yes, Psychomania AKA The Death Wheelers, is a kind-of biker moovie about a sort-of motorcycle gang which gives the impression of being mean, uncivilized, and anti-social by…umm…killing themselves and worshiping frogs. Oooookay…What an odd, bizarre moovie! Horror has never been the Brit’s strongest hand at moovie-making (watch Lifeforce sometime, and you’ll see what I mean!).  But this is just weird.

This odd little flick has an uneasy antidisestablishmentarianistic feel to it, like several udder good Brit flicks of the times, including Lindsey Anderson’s If… and Kubrick’s masterful A Clockwork Orange. Unfortunately, this film is wrapped around an absurd scooter-gang plot, and has that darned frog-thing going on. It mooost be said that these Brit bikers are not the mad soccer-holligans we’ve come to expect from our daft cousins from across the puddle. They sort of race about on their little bikes, bumping into grocers and shoppers, knocking over cans of food, whizzing in and out of traffic, and even (I say!) driving their bikes inside buildings. Pretty tame stuff even for 1971.

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Mind if I eat your baby – I hear they’re veally good…

Mommy (Beryl Reid, No Sex Please – We’re British) has made a pact with Satan/a demon/some kind of frog-thing so that her delinquent son Tom (Nicky Henson, There’s a Girl in My Soup)& his group of absurd politely mean bikers called “The Living Dead” can come back from the grave. But Tom’s squeeze Abby(Mary Larkin) refuses to join the undead duds, and they all get turned into rock, or salt, or piles of frog-poo, it’s never quite clear. Venerable George Sanders(All About Eve, From the Earth to the Moon, The Picture of Dorian Grey) plays starchy butler Shadwell, who knows all the evil angles – it was one of the last films Sanders made before killing himself out of boredom. The sharp-eyed will spot Robert Hardy(Inspector Hesseltine) from Night of the Lepus!

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Fear me, I am a naughty evil polite biker – FEAR ME!!!

There are some amoosing scenes, to be sure – the famous “motorcycle blasting out of the grave” scene is kind of kewl, and so is the opening scene showing the bikers circling a small henge in slow-motion. But in the aggregate, if yer looking for horror, or even just some mindless ultra-violence, then yer trolling the wrong pond. Precious little action, silly dialogue(“I’ve always fancied crashing through a brick wall, what about you?”), and unconvincing death scenes undermine what cud have been a far moore imaginative, alternative flick. The film is sooo 1971, calling the police “the fuzz”, etc, that it positively reeks of incense and peppermint, if yer into that sort of thing. Director Sharp made many tv moovies, but also a few major films, including Kiss of the Vampire, Rocket to the Moon, and several par for the course Fu Manchu films.

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Ummm, vroom vroom?  Vroom?

The MooCow says, if you find mildly impolite bikers menacing, frogs horrifying, or have nightmares about the early 70’s in general, especially fashion, then this may be the flaccid flic for you! Udderwise, this frog is a croaker. :=8P

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Nightbreed (1990)

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Heh??? I’m really cowfused… :=8/

Ok, just what in the dingdongheckamadoodle is going on in this flick???

:=8/

Well, a loser named Boon is convinced by his shrink, who happens to be a psychopath, that HE is the nutjob responsible for killing families, so he runs off to a mystical place from his dreams and falls in with a group of vague, ugly mootants. Then the hicks come and it’s a turkey-shoot, then everything goes boom.

This moovie is totally incoherent. I have no idea what’s taking place on screen, and I sure as heck can’t figure out why. First off: The Nightbreed – what exactly are they? Are they lycanthropes (shape-changers, like werewolves)? Are they undead (like vampires)?? Are they undead lycanthropes??? If they are undead, why do guns “kill” them? If they’re not, WHY DEW YEW HAVE TO DIE TO BECOME ONE???? DOH!! DOH!! DOH!!

:=8(

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Oh look its Moon Face and Snake Head!

Why are they all living in a cemetery?? Why does it have a name (Midian)??? In the beginning of the film they talk about Midian as if it were in some kind of dream, yet Boon(Graig Schaffer, Hellraiser V, Death Wore a Skirt, Voyage of the Rock Aliens) finds it after about 5 seconds of driving. Why does everyone(ie: useless support characters) seem to know who/what they are, but not the audience? If they are such monsters, why can’t they defend themselves? Why dew they just let a bunch of Canadian hicks shoot them?? The whole herd just about tore the spots off their backs trying to figure out this one.

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But we’re the cool monsters!

Talk about bland: Craig Schaffer(Boon), Anne Bobby(Lori, “Mad About You” tv series), and the venerable David Cronenberg(sickie Canadian director, Crash, Videodrome, Naked Lunch) are 3 of the blandest actors I’ve seen trying to carry a horror film. Bobby has about as much charisma as a burst yam. Cronenberg, in front of the camera for once, has the only interesting character, but acts as if he phoned in the lines – back to the director’s chair fer you, David, and stay there!

:=8/

Too many stupid things happen in this film to recount, but the worst may be the Everything Blows Up finale(a la Jerry Bruckheimer); I guess the graveyard moost have been built on some kind of underground petroleum processing station because EVERYTHING blows up – dirt, stones, chickens, moldering coffins, everything!  I mean ugly mootants usually don’t explode for no reason, no matter cow ugly they are!!!

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Yeah, yer guess is as good as mine about whatever the fuck this thing is…

Blame everything on Clive Barker, the British horror writer who gave us the Hellraiser and Candyman flicks. Actually, the novella from which this film was ripped, kicking and screaming, is pretty good(“Cabal”), and makes a lot moore sense than this monstrosity. But Barker wrote the script & directed this catastrophe all by himself, so all the cow pies can be directed at him. Ridiculous, stupid, and terrible. The MooCow says read the book, bury the moovie.

:=8P

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Robot Monster (1953)

Before Manos, Before Plan 9, There was This…

:=8P

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To say that Robot Monster is the grand-daddy of all stinky moovies does not give it justice enough. For it really is with Phil Tucker’s(Cape Canaveral Monsters)epic failure that the true genre of stinky films come to fruition. And what smell fruit it is!! The MooCow can cowtribute little to the reams of writing which already discusses Tucker’s monstrosity, but some details are worth noting again and again. The inexcusably cheap and laughable props and fx include a bubble machine, stock-footage “giant” lizards, and a guy in an ape suit with a diving helmet on, played by George Barrows (Mesa of Lost Women, Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, Hillbillies in a Haunted House), and soooo many moore!

The plot, such as it is, involves the destruction of the earth, and its invasion by an alien race cowprised of a robot monster (hence the title), who does not happen to properly calculate the resistance of a handful of plucky, irritating, and largely improbable humans who try to stop him – OR IS IT???  Fire will not burn out of the MooCow this flick’s terrible SECRET revealed at the end (to the cowllective groans of every person who has ever watched it).  Yes, Ro-Man is quite the terrifying monster; few scenes can match the intense, overall hilarity of watching his pudgy, furry form slowly amble to and fro amongst the rocks in Bryce Canyon, or watching him flap his furry arms menacingly with his bubble machine.  Ro-Man is every bit the stinky moovie icon that Plan Nine’s ridiculous hubcap flying saucers, or Manos’ bizarre, backwards-kneed Torgo, are, and if anything he is even funnier.

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I can hear the squeals of terror all the way in my super neat space ship with the tarp backdrop here in outer spaaaaaace…

We are talking threadbare special effects here, folks – sets were clearly designed by using whatever junk they happened to find in the director’s garage that particular day.  And what the heck is going on with these stock-footage “giant” reptiles that show up every now and then, whether the plot calls for them or not? For stinky moovie buffs, these are the same fake critters (lizards with extra bits glued on to make them appear to be ‘prehistoric’) that show up in The Mole People, The Lost World, and about a thousand udder cheap stinkers made in the 50’s and 60′. Cowever, NO ONE else has that bubble machine – what a terrifying device of horror!! LOL!

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BEWARE MY BUBBLES!!!!

In addition to the poorest possible production values, Robot Monster is also blessed with wretched performances, scatter-brained direction, and jaw-dropping dialogue, including such choice bits as “You look like a pooped-out pinwheel“/ “Now I will kill you“, and “Is there a choice between a painless surrender-death, or the horror of resistance-death?“.

When the critics lambasted his pitiful attempt at film-making, Director/Producer Tucker tried to cowmit suicide. Not even Ed Wood (Plan Nine from Outer Space) made a film as poor as Robot Monster(although Glen or Glenda comes purty darn close!). Stinky trivia fans should note that Writer Wyott Ordung also wrote Target Earth, and acted in Monster from the Ocean Floor.

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The MooCow’s favorite scene shows Ro-Man clumsily discovering that he’s in love with “Ahh-lice”, and spouting out his moost famous lines: “Yes, to be like the Hu-man, to laugh and feel and want! Why are these things not in The Plan?” The MooCow also loves worthless Claudia Barrett(as “Ahh-lice”), who gets picked up and carried around by everyone so often she should have handles grafted onto her hips. They just don’t make ’em like this anymoore!!

No kidding, guys, this film absolutely MOOST be seen to be believed, and the MooCow heartily recowmends that all stinky moovie fans have a copy of Robot Monster in their stinky cowlections. Try to avoid the 3D version, which interrupts the flow of stink with headache-inducing, poor 3D effects. MooCow says get yer hooves on a copy of Robot Monster now, and watch out for those bubbles!!!

;=8)

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